>Coast to coast

>I don’t really have very much to say this morning, other than I’m off out tonight to see another of my favourite bands at my favourite club, and I’m going walking on Sunday.

In Barnsley, there’s a mickey take where they say “coast to coast is Wath-upon-Dearne to Ladybower”. The Dearne is a river; Ladybower is a reservoir to the west of Sheffield on the way to Glossop. So I suppose that means I’ll be walking on the west coast – I’m going to Ladybower to do one of the shorter walks there.

So far I already know that there’s a memorial to a sheep dog that stayed with her master’s body for 15 weeks during one winter (warning: tearjerker alert), and there’s a commemoration to the Dambusters 617 Squadron who rehearsed their bouncing bomb theatre on Derwent Water. I wonder what else I’ll find out when I get there. If it’s nice enough there will be pictures.

Here is the rest of the Barnsley ditty mentioned above – locals will smile, I hope. Have a great weekend.

You know you’re from Barnsley when:

  • You define Summer as three months of bad coal picking.
  • Your definition of a small town is one that only has five pubs.
  • Bull bars, ‘Tarn Army’ and ‘traffic light’ air fresheners come standard on all your cars.
  • You refer to the Tykes as “we”.
  • At least 50% of your relatives used to work down t’pit.
  • You can make sense out of the word Asthagorowttegivus.
  • You have been frostbitten and suntanned in the same week.
  • You identify a Sheffield accent as “Southern”.
  • You know what “twocking” is. (Taking Without Owners Consent)
  • You learned to drive a Reliant Robin before the training wheels were off your bike.
  • “Down South” to you means Chapeltown.
  • Traveling coast to coast means going from Wath-on-Dearne to the Ladybower Res.
  • The “Big Five” means LYONS CAKES, S.R. GENT, SLAZENGER, SHAW CARPETS & WOMBWELL FOUNDRY.
  • Snap is something you eat.
  • You know that a bag of spice is something kids eat.
  • You were brassed off by the movie Brassed Off.
  • You have no problem saying Peniston.
  • You consider Holmfirth “exotic”.
  • You got a passport to go to Leeds.
  • Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Oasis.
  • You don’t have a coughing fit from one sip of Barnsley Bitter.
  • Summat to Eight is a meal, not the time of day.
  • You used to think Mischievous Night was included as an official school holiday.
  • You know that Jump is a real place.
  • You have one word that means Hello, How are you,Whats this, Hang on a minute and bloody hell! (Eyup.)
  • A Chip oil and a Bug oil is a grand night owt.
  • Eastern Promise is a blind date in Doncaster.
  • Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a miner next to your Leylandii.
  • You think there should be a “Southern puff, go home” bumper sticker on every car north of Ecclesfield.
  • Your neighbour throws a party to celebrate his new flymo.
  • A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend yomping up the tips with the rotweiller.
  • You go to work in a shellsuit in the morning and return home wearing someone else’s shorts.
  • Kids roar.
  • Pop is a drink, not your grandad.
  • Formal wear is a kappa shirt, union jack boxers and a baseball cap.
  • You think a warm winter coat is Thompsons Waterseal.
  • You are unaware there is a legal drinking age.
  • You have to go to Tenerife to get a tan in August.
  • You know where the towns of Pogmoor and Pilley are.
  • You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.
  • You know that “Oo war shi wi”, “She wa wi ersen”, “O wa Shee Naa” and “aaah shi wa” isn’t Chinese.
  • You proudly claim that the Town Hall is the highest point in Yorkshire.
  • You have subsidence insurance.
  • Your idea of a cruise ship is a tin bath in the Dearne, and your idea of a foreign cruise ship is rowing boat on Elsecar Reservoir.
  • You can pronounce “Alhambra” but can’t spell it.
  • If someone says “Castlereagh”, “Pitt” or “Peel” you think Street instead of Prime Minister.
  • You get on a bus marked “Jump Circular” without a second thought.
  • You can cross two lanes of heavy traffic and U-turn through a central reservation while avoiding two joggers and a traccy bus then fit into the oncoming traffic flow while never touching the brake.
  • You can consistently be the second or third person to run a red stop light.
  • You got rear-ended 10 times by people with no insurance.
  • The major question when the Barnsley Chronicle runs a restaurant review is “What’s a restaurant?”
  • The rest of the review is about how Barnsley got all cosmopolitan when Burtons sold out to Ronald McDonald.
  • You judge a cafe by its black pudding and gravy.
  • You call drinking water “Council Pop”.
  • You visit another town and they “claim” to have Barnsley Chop – but you know better.